NEW PROJECT

Hey guys sorry i havnt talked in a while, been working on a big project, anyway im starting up an online business and im looking for investors, if any of you want to know more email me at jwbroccoli@gmail.com and i will give you all the details.

Its funny how much it can relieve you just to say whats on your mind. I mean quite frankly, nobody ever has to listen, nobody has to even know you said it, but just to project the words onto some kind of medium is all you need to alleviate some of the pain. Sometimes even all of it will go away. I hope thats the case with me.

Im really worried about why I am upset. You know my girlfriend, and I think all girls in general, went through a period when she was upset and she had no idea what was wrong. I tried so hard to make her feel better but I felt like I was only putting band aids on the situation ,and nothing I actually did had any type of significant impact. I could tell her I love her over and over again ,but at the end of the day I still didnt understand why she was not happy. Now I know how she feels.

I am upset any time I am alone with my own thoughts and I dont know why. I dont like sleeping alone, because it gives me the opportunity to think about things that make me upset. I dont know why I get like this. I honestly dont know how my she put up with this feeling as long as she did, cause its only been a week or so and its driving me crazy. I guess it could be stress, thats always a possibility. But stress shouldnt do this type of damage to people and I honestly dont believe it can. I like to think of myself as a strong willed person so thats what makes this whole situation so difficult. I always was the one that kept a smile on when nobody else could, and now, if I can be happy, what the hell is gonna happen to everyone that looked at me when they were upset?

Its not constant though, which is good because if it was constant I probably would had checked myself into a psych ward by now. When I am with my girlfriend I am happy, when I am talking to other people I am happy most of the time. Its just these feelings I get when I am alone, and I cant describe them.

It might be because of how alone I have been recently. Coming home from college is tough, every time people get excited about going on breaks I am always the one that secretly wishes in the back of my mind that I could stay there, and just not have to come home. I just feel like I dont belong at home, and when your just staying around the house that feeling sets in. I feel like every day is the last day of summer and I am the one that got left out in the cold. I feel like everyone is constantly questioning why I am around when I go out, and that the only time I really feel like I belong is at home. You wouldnt believe some of the looks I get when I go out, or how many times I have walked into somewhere and a vibe has come over me that made me feel like I did not belong at all. Sometime even when Im home alone I get that vibe.

Its hard to not have a group of people in your life that you can count on. Its hard to have to have a different set of people for every activity you do, and to realize that everyone only wants to be in your life part time. I guess I just feel very left out a lot of the time. So, what am I supposed to do now? Knowing whats wrong wont make the hurting stop

It Hurts

Okay, I haven't done this in a while, but this is a good one so I would check it out,
So to catch up, I left my old college, ended up going to the college my gf went to, and it was a great move because I am significantly happier here, and I couldn't take the old school any longer. There was too much going on there that I did not want to be a part of. I tried to run away from everything that was bothering me there, some of the problems couldn't keep up, but the others caught up to me.

July 2009- friend dies due to overdose
November 2009- friend dies to do asphyxiation after drinking too much and throwing up in her sleep

The second time hurt much more. We were real close.

I still never got over it, its so hard to even explain I just kinda blocked out the feeling. I cried for maybe two minutes about a day or two after I found out, and that was it. I held back every other time I wanted to cry. I bottled it up and did other things because I didn't want to feel that hurt again. I didn't want to think to myself that the first person who requested to be my friend on Facebook that was going to college with me, the person i talked to about the dorms, people we know there, how much fun its gonna be and how much we are gonna enjoy the freedom, is gone. The person who me and my friends went out to dinner with the first night at school, and we had a great time. The person who ended up hooking up with one of my best friends for a short time, making out relationship even closer. A person who did not hesitate to help me with math as long as I could help her with computer science, and who said she would always sign my gf in for me whenever I needed it as long as i Signed her boyfriend in, which i did many times. A person who made me smile, was there for me, and kept in touch with me even after she transfered. We both had the same plan, get out of that school and make something for ourselves, go to a real school where the grades matter and people dont take everything so lightly. She left at the end of her first year, and I waited another semester. I thought it be best to just give it one more chance, but she had had enough. The person who decided with me to both leave our schools and be with the ones we love, is gone, and I can never ever get that person back. I don't know how i manged to block it out for so long. I guess I was so frustrated with my living conditions and my room mate and the drive i had to make to see my gf and the transfer process that i didnt really realize how much it was hurting me, and tearing me apart. Its hard to talk to anyone about it, everyone that went to school with me wanted to avoid it because they felt that it would just make things worse, and my girlfriend never knew her.

I got a phone call yesterday that one of the only other girls I really had a close friendship with, was sick. It doesn't look good, and I dont know what I am supposed to do anymore. All the pain from the first 2 deaths regurgitated in a matter of seconds. Suddenly it hurt more than ever, and i feel to my knees and start bawling. When i could compose myself I talked to my gf on the phone a little, but it was hard to explain the way I felt. I never was good at talking, writing was always my thing. Anyway, the pain has built up in me and its a tremendous weight I had to carry around at all times. I dont want to go to class because I feel like I am gonna cry most of the day, I feel like in every room I am in if I am by myself too long I am gonna do something stupid or have those thoughts I have been trying so hard to hide. My girlfriend went home for the weekend last weekend, and Friday night i couldn't go out because I was on pain killers from having my wisdom teeth removed, so no drinking. I sat in my room, my room mate was gone, and I had lost my glasses. I couldn't read to distract myself, I couldn't watch TV, and music wasn't helping. For about 3 hours I was alone with my thoughts, and I was petrified at some of the things that entered my mind. Things I dont want to share, and hopefully will never have to. When she came back I had gotten worse then when she left, and its a tough situation. On the one hand, i just want her to understand what I am going through, but on the other hand I know she cant possibly comprehend the fact that I had been blocking something out for nearly 5 months, and that its all hitting me at once. I want her to just be happy, but seeing me unhappy makes her frustrated,and then in turn she gets annoyed and I get even more upset. Its a vicous cycle and I dont know how to break out of it. Maybe all i need is a hug, but at this point I doubt it. I am scared every second of every day that I am gonna lose someone else I am close with. My mind has to cope with all of this, while at the same time I have 2 more exams this week and I still have no summer internship or job, or money for that matter. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I feel like my heart is always about 10 beats faster than it normally is. I have had mental battles with myself for hours at a time as to whether or not I should take some vicoden so I can just be happy for a few hours. All i want is a few hours.

I feel like i am constantly being hit over the head with a blunt object and there is nothing i can do to stop it. The frustration is so bad that sometimes I want to just pick something up out of the ground and break it in half, or better yet hit myself over the head with it until the demons that have haunted me for the past few weeks decide they cant take it anymore and leave. Anything to make those memories go away. Now with my recent frustration I question everything in my life that is not exactly as planned. Anytime i piss my gf off I wonder if I am a good boyfriend, or if she is planning on leaving me anytime soon. Any time i take a test I think about how much better I could had done to spite the hours I spend studying. Everything i do goes into question, and i cant stop.

I just want to take control of my emotions, and be able to accept the fact that they are gone, but I cant. I cant get it through my head that bad things will always happen to good people, and that there is no sense in trying to make explanations because they are not coming back. I dont expect many to understand the hurt, the constant feeling that my head is going to explode, and the agony that accompanies everyday activities.

I am really hoping and praying that time heals all wounds, because thats all I have left.


On a side note, I would like to thank everyone who had read my blog. I know it jumps around, and mostly talks about life, and that this one is really dark. I actually expected to have a much bigger following by now, but at the same time I go months at a time without writing anything. Your comments are always appreciated and highly encouraged, and I hope that more of you begin to follow my work, as I will be writing more in an attempt to deal with the situations presented before me.
Thank you

So the last time I had talked in this, I spoke about fear of going to school. I talked to you about missing people I cared about alot and furthermore, my fear of the people I would be involved with. I have to say that those fears have become more real than I ever thought.

To start off, my classes are very challenging. Last year I really did sail through school with minimal problems, and now it seems like everything is catching up with me all at once. I feel smothered, often times I feel like its more work than I will ever be able to complete. Besides that I look around me and see people that have no futures, people that do not care about their work, and people who are constantly concerned wtih things other than thier education.

Second of all my house is terrible. Everything is falling apart, the plumbing doesnt work, the air conditioning is non existant, its hot, muggy, and we dont even have screens so opening our windows are not an option. Overall the experience there is not too good, and creates a pretty weak study environment. Needless to say, its not helping that much.

I miss my girlfriend too. I knew it would be hard going away to school and being so far away from her, and of course I was right. She is really special to me and I love herm and honestly goin through the stuff im going through now I don't know what I would do without her. She is having a great time her first year at school and im happy to see that she is enjoying herself. I just miss her. However, there are so many things that remind me of her, it is almost like im with her for a little bit every day. It always makes me happy to know that a thunderstorm, a volkswagon bug, or a koala named charlie, will all remind me of her.

Now that I have listed my complaints, it is time to figure out what I am going to do. I know that at the end of the semester I will be able to leave this place and find out what I would like to do with my life, but until then II need a plan. I need to go to the library more frequently, and get mcuh more work done. I need to take the time to realize when I am being distracted, and seperate myself from those situations. I need to realize that it is time for me to step it up to the next level and do whatever is necessary to do well in school this semester. I just need to get a grip on the situation, and take care of it.

You know my girfriend has always said to me that everything always works out, and shes right. If I give my best effort, it will all work out on the end. Sometimes you just look around and realize that the situation is not the best, but that doesnt not mean you cant make the best of it. I have to take the responsabiliy and move forward and do everything I can to make the most of this semester.

I know its been a while since i have posted last and I apologize. I was getting settled into school for my sophomore year and I have been through a lot of different emotions. But now that i have had time to clear my head I would like to talk, about my girlfriend.

Now I know what all of you are thinking. "Oh my god he is gonna talk about her again, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about life". Well, this is a blog about life, I spend my time talking about things that I find important in my life, and one of the most important aspects of my life is her. So I would like to talk about her for a little bit.

When I was growing up I was overweight. My whole life I was told in a joking manner from my friends that nobody would ever care about me because of my weight. I battled and fought and struggled and then when I was finally at the average weight, I broke out in terrible acne. At that time I thought that nobody would ever care about me, and that my high school, as well as my life, would be particularly lonely.

Then, my sophomore year, I met a girl that would change my life. Although for a few years she would not give me the time of day, my efforts paid off and the day before I first went to college I was able to kiss her.

We spent the next months working and improving on our relationship and soon we were dating. Now it has been over six months since the day she said yes to me asking her out, and I could not be happier. My whole life I had seen those movies about the girl that would change your life, the girl that would change the way you think, and the girl that after you met her, all those love songs you never understood all your life would suddenly make sense. The people who told me all of these things could not have been any more correct.

I can honestly say my girlfriend is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and one of the most important parts of my life. Recently I went to visit her at her school and just being with her, just being in the same state as her made me happy. I could have the worst day of my life, be practically in tears, and just looking into her eyes and seeing her smile makes everything better. When I'm not close to her, hearing her voice on the phone and listening to her laugh and occasionally seeing her smile on a web cam is all i need to make my week. Overall I have to say in complete honesty that I met someone very special to me that is very important in my life. I met a girl I would do anything to make happy. I met a girl that means more to me than anyone I have ever met in my life and truly care about her. I know some of you are seeing this as a pointless post, and its more than obvious that those of you that have have not experienced this feeling yet. More than anything I just want you all to know that I met someone very special, and I love her.

Todays post is a little bit of an extension of yesterdays. I know I spent all of yesterday preaching to you about how good everything is going to be and how I am not nervous about anything, and I feel like for me to just talk about the positives of everything and the optomistic point of view would be not only dishonest to you, but to myself.

I'm scared. I mean I have a great group of friends at school and I know I am going to have a good time, but at the same time these same group of friends are involved with alot of stuff that I try to avoid. In just this past month one of my friends from school has died of an overdose, the other sent to a hospital due to drug related mental instability. I know that this is only the beggining, and that before my time at school is over, I will lost more people that I care about. I know this, I have always known this before anything ever happened to the first two, but yet, they are still my friends. My friends at home do not get involved in the same stuff but I really do not feel as close to them as I do with my friends at school. Often times the people around here are very stuck up and immature and it is usually more than I can handle. My plan is to get away from this school at the end of the semester to try and avoid the ultimate pain I will be suffering from losing more people close to me. It hurts alot. Often times even sitting with my girlfriend who I care about more than any of them, my mind will wonder and take me to places my heart does not want to follow. I think about who will be next. I think about how hard it was to walk into a room of people who did not expect him to die and are completely shocked, when all the while me and others at school were aware of his recreational drug use and did absolutely nothing to prevent it. I think about the time a very close friend struck a girl, and wonder how long it will be before his actions catch up to him. I think about how hard it must be to go to visit your son who, thanks to drug use, has put himself in his own world, and does not even recognize you anymore. He thinks you do not love him, he thinks he is adopted, and he may never be the same again. All these thoughts pass through my mind a few times a day. Many people will look at these situations and say there was nothing they can do, but I will look at those same situations and say that I could have done something to help, prevent, or stop this drug use, and I did not. Often times I sat there and laughed when friends would tell stories about their crazy trips, and now they are gone.
I feel bad for my girlfriend because I constantly am telling her that I am fine because I do not know how she will react to me feeling this way. Her friends are great people, and always have been. I may not get along with all of them, but she really did put herself with a great group of people that I know will do everything in their power to help her whenever something is wrong when I am not around. She is very lucky to have them, and they are very lucky to have her.

This all bring me to what I have been trying to get at. I care about my girlfriend more than I have ever cared about anything or anyone else in my life. When I am with her I try as hard as I can to be the best possible version of myself. Being with her has led me to the appreciation of things I never found interest in before. My eyes have been opened and the course of my life has definately been changed in some way, a positive way, because of her. I pray that I have done something positive in her life as well.
Now, soon, I have to go back to my friends. I go back to being close to all the drugs and violence and pain that I have been trying not to think about while back to home. I must talk to each one of my friends knowing that there is the potential that it will be the last time I speak to them. This is what really scares me. My girlfriend is so excited to go to school and can't wait and talks ot her room mate and is the happiest person on earth, and here I am doing everything I can in my power to slow down time.
I do not want to lose her, and I will do everything I can to make sure we are together for as long as possible. I love her, always have. When I am around her nothing else matters, and for those hours, I probabaly think of how lucky I am in my head about 1000 times, although I may only say it once or twice. Often times when im hugging her or laying with her and she can't see my face I will look up and just mouth the words thank you, because I know there is a higher power at play in the way my life has turned out. I will do anything to make her happy or see her smile, and I thank God for every day I am given with her. Recently I have not been myself around her, and I know it must be making her angry, but I am just overcome with the fear of going away, and that now there is a time limit to how much we can see each other. 12 days, 11, 10, the count down seems to be going faster and faster and I can't do anything to stop it. I just hope and pray that she misses me too, and that our relationship can continued to grow and strengthen, because she is a very special and important part of my life.

Change

Change happens to everyone. It's inevitable. However, change is not what makes a person who they are, it is how that person reacts to the change.

In the next few weeks of my life I will be undergoing a big change that will effect my life significantly. Now I have weighed the pros and cons, but still cant help but to feel that I am losing so much more than I am gaining. It's that time of year again, and after seeing my girlfriend for almost 3 months straight, I must go back to school, where I can only visit her once every few weeks at most. Part of me, actually most of me, asks myself why I decided to choose the school farthest away from home.
But change is not all bad. If relationships, and anything in general, were easy then they would not be so highly sought after. Every relationship has its own set of complications and challenges that the two people involved must overcome together. I know personally that I could not ask for a smarter, more mature, more confident and trustworthy person to go into this with.
I think the important thing to remember here is that the longer you are away from someone the happier you are when you finally get to see them again. It really incredible how much distance can strengthen a relationship at times. As long as you trust the person you are with and truly care about them, like I do, everything will work out