Todays post is a little bit of an extension of yesterdays. I know I spent all of yesterday preaching to you about how good everything is going to be and how I am not nervous about anything, and I feel like for me to just talk about the positives of everything and the optomistic point of view would be not only dishonest to you, but to myself.

I'm scared. I mean I have a great group of friends at school and I know I am going to have a good time, but at the same time these same group of friends are involved with alot of stuff that I try to avoid. In just this past month one of my friends from school has died of an overdose, the other sent to a hospital due to drug related mental instability. I know that this is only the beggining, and that before my time at school is over, I will lost more people that I care about. I know this, I have always known this before anything ever happened to the first two, but yet, they are still my friends. My friends at home do not get involved in the same stuff but I really do not feel as close to them as I do with my friends at school. Often times the people around here are very stuck up and immature and it is usually more than I can handle. My plan is to get away from this school at the end of the semester to try and avoid the ultimate pain I will be suffering from losing more people close to me. It hurts alot. Often times even sitting with my girlfriend who I care about more than any of them, my mind will wonder and take me to places my heart does not want to follow. I think about who will be next. I think about how hard it was to walk into a room of people who did not expect him to die and are completely shocked, when all the while me and others at school were aware of his recreational drug use and did absolutely nothing to prevent it. I think about the time a very close friend struck a girl, and wonder how long it will be before his actions catch up to him. I think about how hard it must be to go to visit your son who, thanks to drug use, has put himself in his own world, and does not even recognize you anymore. He thinks you do not love him, he thinks he is adopted, and he may never be the same again. All these thoughts pass through my mind a few times a day. Many people will look at these situations and say there was nothing they can do, but I will look at those same situations and say that I could have done something to help, prevent, or stop this drug use, and I did not. Often times I sat there and laughed when friends would tell stories about their crazy trips, and now they are gone.
I feel bad for my girlfriend because I constantly am telling her that I am fine because I do not know how she will react to me feeling this way. Her friends are great people, and always have been. I may not get along with all of them, but she really did put herself with a great group of people that I know will do everything in their power to help her whenever something is wrong when I am not around. She is very lucky to have them, and they are very lucky to have her.

This all bring me to what I have been trying to get at. I care about my girlfriend more than I have ever cared about anything or anyone else in my life. When I am with her I try as hard as I can to be the best possible version of myself. Being with her has led me to the appreciation of things I never found interest in before. My eyes have been opened and the course of my life has definately been changed in some way, a positive way, because of her. I pray that I have done something positive in her life as well.
Now, soon, I have to go back to my friends. I go back to being close to all the drugs and violence and pain that I have been trying not to think about while back to home. I must talk to each one of my friends knowing that there is the potential that it will be the last time I speak to them. This is what really scares me. My girlfriend is so excited to go to school and can't wait and talks ot her room mate and is the happiest person on earth, and here I am doing everything I can in my power to slow down time.
I do not want to lose her, and I will do everything I can to make sure we are together for as long as possible. I love her, always have. When I am around her nothing else matters, and for those hours, I probabaly think of how lucky I am in my head about 1000 times, although I may only say it once or twice. Often times when im hugging her or laying with her and she can't see my face I will look up and just mouth the words thank you, because I know there is a higher power at play in the way my life has turned out. I will do anything to make her happy or see her smile, and I thank God for every day I am given with her. Recently I have not been myself around her, and I know it must be making her angry, but I am just overcome with the fear of going away, and that now there is a time limit to how much we can see each other. 12 days, 11, 10, the count down seems to be going faster and faster and I can't do anything to stop it. I just hope and pray that she misses me too, and that our relationship can continued to grow and strengthen, because she is a very special and important part of my life.