Its funny how much it can relieve you just to say whats on your mind. I mean quite frankly, nobody ever has to listen, nobody has to even know you said it, but just to project the words onto some kind of medium is all you need to alleviate some of the pain. Sometimes even all of it will go away. I hope thats the case with me.

Im really worried about why I am upset. You know my girlfriend, and I think all girls in general, went through a period when she was upset and she had no idea what was wrong. I tried so hard to make her feel better but I felt like I was only putting band aids on the situation ,and nothing I actually did had any type of significant impact. I could tell her I love her over and over again ,but at the end of the day I still didnt understand why she was not happy. Now I know how she feels.

I am upset any time I am alone with my own thoughts and I dont know why. I dont like sleeping alone, because it gives me the opportunity to think about things that make me upset. I dont know why I get like this. I honestly dont know how my she put up with this feeling as long as she did, cause its only been a week or so and its driving me crazy. I guess it could be stress, thats always a possibility. But stress shouldnt do this type of damage to people and I honestly dont believe it can. I like to think of myself as a strong willed person so thats what makes this whole situation so difficult. I always was the one that kept a smile on when nobody else could, and now, if I can be happy, what the hell is gonna happen to everyone that looked at me when they were upset?

Its not constant though, which is good because if it was constant I probably would had checked myself into a psych ward by now. When I am with my girlfriend I am happy, when I am talking to other people I am happy most of the time. Its just these feelings I get when I am alone, and I cant describe them.

It might be because of how alone I have been recently. Coming home from college is tough, every time people get excited about going on breaks I am always the one that secretly wishes in the back of my mind that I could stay there, and just not have to come home. I just feel like I dont belong at home, and when your just staying around the house that feeling sets in. I feel like every day is the last day of summer and I am the one that got left out in the cold. I feel like everyone is constantly questioning why I am around when I go out, and that the only time I really feel like I belong is at home. You wouldnt believe some of the looks I get when I go out, or how many times I have walked into somewhere and a vibe has come over me that made me feel like I did not belong at all. Sometime even when Im home alone I get that vibe.

Its hard to not have a group of people in your life that you can count on. Its hard to have to have a different set of people for every activity you do, and to realize that everyone only wants to be in your life part time. I guess I just feel very left out a lot of the time. So, what am I supposed to do now? Knowing whats wrong wont make the hurting stop