It Hurts

Okay, I haven't done this in a while, but this is a good one so I would check it out,
So to catch up, I left my old college, ended up going to the college my gf went to, and it was a great move because I am significantly happier here, and I couldn't take the old school any longer. There was too much going on there that I did not want to be a part of. I tried to run away from everything that was bothering me there, some of the problems couldn't keep up, but the others caught up to me.

July 2009- friend dies due to overdose
November 2009- friend dies to do asphyxiation after drinking too much and throwing up in her sleep

The second time hurt much more. We were real close.

I still never got over it, its so hard to even explain I just kinda blocked out the feeling. I cried for maybe two minutes about a day or two after I found out, and that was it. I held back every other time I wanted to cry. I bottled it up and did other things because I didn't want to feel that hurt again. I didn't want to think to myself that the first person who requested to be my friend on Facebook that was going to college with me, the person i talked to about the dorms, people we know there, how much fun its gonna be and how much we are gonna enjoy the freedom, is gone. The person who me and my friends went out to dinner with the first night at school, and we had a great time. The person who ended up hooking up with one of my best friends for a short time, making out relationship even closer. A person who did not hesitate to help me with math as long as I could help her with computer science, and who said she would always sign my gf in for me whenever I needed it as long as i Signed her boyfriend in, which i did many times. A person who made me smile, was there for me, and kept in touch with me even after she transfered. We both had the same plan, get out of that school and make something for ourselves, go to a real school where the grades matter and people dont take everything so lightly. She left at the end of her first year, and I waited another semester. I thought it be best to just give it one more chance, but she had had enough. The person who decided with me to both leave our schools and be with the ones we love, is gone, and I can never ever get that person back. I don't know how i manged to block it out for so long. I guess I was so frustrated with my living conditions and my room mate and the drive i had to make to see my gf and the transfer process that i didnt really realize how much it was hurting me, and tearing me apart. Its hard to talk to anyone about it, everyone that went to school with me wanted to avoid it because they felt that it would just make things worse, and my girlfriend never knew her.

I got a phone call yesterday that one of the only other girls I really had a close friendship with, was sick. It doesn't look good, and I dont know what I am supposed to do anymore. All the pain from the first 2 deaths regurgitated in a matter of seconds. Suddenly it hurt more than ever, and i feel to my knees and start bawling. When i could compose myself I talked to my gf on the phone a little, but it was hard to explain the way I felt. I never was good at talking, writing was always my thing. Anyway, the pain has built up in me and its a tremendous weight I had to carry around at all times. I dont want to go to class because I feel like I am gonna cry most of the day, I feel like in every room I am in if I am by myself too long I am gonna do something stupid or have those thoughts I have been trying so hard to hide. My girlfriend went home for the weekend last weekend, and Friday night i couldn't go out because I was on pain killers from having my wisdom teeth removed, so no drinking. I sat in my room, my room mate was gone, and I had lost my glasses. I couldn't read to distract myself, I couldn't watch TV, and music wasn't helping. For about 3 hours I was alone with my thoughts, and I was petrified at some of the things that entered my mind. Things I dont want to share, and hopefully will never have to. When she came back I had gotten worse then when she left, and its a tough situation. On the one hand, i just want her to understand what I am going through, but on the other hand I know she cant possibly comprehend the fact that I had been blocking something out for nearly 5 months, and that its all hitting me at once. I want her to just be happy, but seeing me unhappy makes her frustrated,and then in turn she gets annoyed and I get even more upset. Its a vicous cycle and I dont know how to break out of it. Maybe all i need is a hug, but at this point I doubt it. I am scared every second of every day that I am gonna lose someone else I am close with. My mind has to cope with all of this, while at the same time I have 2 more exams this week and I still have no summer internship or job, or money for that matter. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I feel like my heart is always about 10 beats faster than it normally is. I have had mental battles with myself for hours at a time as to whether or not I should take some vicoden so I can just be happy for a few hours. All i want is a few hours.

I feel like i am constantly being hit over the head with a blunt object and there is nothing i can do to stop it. The frustration is so bad that sometimes I want to just pick something up out of the ground and break it in half, or better yet hit myself over the head with it until the demons that have haunted me for the past few weeks decide they cant take it anymore and leave. Anything to make those memories go away. Now with my recent frustration I question everything in my life that is not exactly as planned. Anytime i piss my gf off I wonder if I am a good boyfriend, or if she is planning on leaving me anytime soon. Any time i take a test I think about how much better I could had done to spite the hours I spend studying. Everything i do goes into question, and i cant stop.

I just want to take control of my emotions, and be able to accept the fact that they are gone, but I cant. I cant get it through my head that bad things will always happen to good people, and that there is no sense in trying to make explanations because they are not coming back. I dont expect many to understand the hurt, the constant feeling that my head is going to explode, and the agony that accompanies everyday activities.

I am really hoping and praying that time heals all wounds, because thats all I have left.


On a side note, I would like to thank everyone who had read my blog. I know it jumps around, and mostly talks about life, and that this one is really dark. I actually expected to have a much bigger following by now, but at the same time I go months at a time without writing anything. Your comments are always appreciated and highly encouraged, and I hope that more of you begin to follow my work, as I will be writing more in an attempt to deal with the situations presented before me.
Thank you

It All Comes Down To This

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. I find it hard to remember the last time we just had a conversation without yelling and often times their harsh words pulsate through me like venom. The past few weeks in particular all I have wanted was a normal relationship with the people in my family.I know that this contradicts a lot of what I write and preach about. I am always talking about how we should appreciate what we have and cherish it, and by me sitting here asking for more from my parents, I am in direct violation of these rules I have established for the way I want to live my life. So I have decided that wants are okay, to an extent. It is desire and wants that keep the world turning, and without any desire we would have no motivation and ultimately are species would be cast down to its more instinctive form. However, I think wanting something like a solid relationship with my parents was asking for a little much and did not really fit in with what I tell readers. I was being greedy.Last night I was with my girlfriend sitting in my T.V room. We were just casually flipping through the channels laying with each other as we often do. Let me just say right now that my girlfriend has been the person I tell everything to, and one of the only people in my life that I can truly say I trust. She is always there for me when I need her to be and makes me happier than I ever have been before. Most of the time she brings out the best and me, and I am truly thankful to have her in my life.Having said that, I was feeling a little upset about the situation with my parents and she noticed instantly. After asking a few times, I finally broke down and put my head and her shoulder where I kept it for about an hour as I thought and spoke about everything wrong in my life. I spoke about my family in particular, and how all I wanted was normal parents that respected me and treated me well when I saw them.At the end of the night, although she did cheer me up a great deal when I really thought no one could, I was still feeling upset. I went to sleep upset and woke up this morning still feeling uneasy. It was at that moment that I realized where I needed to go with my life.My point is that everything happens for a reason. All these things that we think are the end of the world end up being good for us. Maybe it is not as noticeable as you leaving your shoes untied and tripping only to find a 100 dollar bill in front of you, but it happens. These bad experiences are meant to teach us and show us that life is not perfect, and that everyone has problems and things they do not like, but it is those who let those bad things overshadow the good that allow their minds to take them to dark places they would dare not step.We all come into this world the same way. It is these events, both good and bad, that shape and mold how we exists. Our lives are short and often very fragile. We have to learn that not everyone has everything, and that our greatest ability as people is to turn our biggest weaknesses into our most powerful strengths.

Stop Taking Life So Seriously

Sorry I have not been able to post in a few days, family emergency.

Having said that, I know to a lot of you my last post seemed a little out of the ordinary. My point was not that we should all rage against the machine and try to go against the grain. My point was that we as a society are so restricted by these unwritten rules that nobody takes the time to truly just appreciate how nice it feels to smile at a stranger, start a conversation in the elevator, or just tell someone your working with that they are doing a really good job. It seems as though nobody really wants to put themselves out there anymore, and everyone is too busy trying to get theirs to worry about what anyone else wants. Although we are very social creatures and communication is a very serious part out our culture, recently as years have passed everyone has become so self centered and greedy that they do not take the time to appreciate the fellow man.
We all need to stop taking life so seriously. Every now and then just realize that it is a blessing alone that you are alive and able to do the things you do every day. Being able to smell, touch, and taste all these little things in our world is such a great gift that it seems everyone has forgotten about. Everyone wants the new Ferrari or Bentley and forget about how nice it is to just lay on the grass and do nothing. I am not saying to completely abandon your desire and ambition because those two things are what keeps us moving. What I am saying is that every once and while even if it is only for a few minutes, put everything else aside and just realize how amazing everything around you is. Think about how amazing it is that you can see stars hundreds of millions of miles away, or good it feels to just stand out in the rain. We do not know how long we are going to be able to truly notice the little things, so don't let these moments pass.