NEW PROJECT

Hey guys sorry i havnt talked in a while, been working on a big project, anyway im starting up an online business and im looking for investors, if any of you want to know more email me at jwbroccoli@gmail.com and i will give you all the details.

Its funny how much it can relieve you just to say whats on your mind. I mean quite frankly, nobody ever has to listen, nobody has to even know you said it, but just to project the words onto some kind of medium is all you need to alleviate some of the pain. Sometimes even all of it will go away. I hope thats the case with me.

Im really worried about why I am upset. You know my girlfriend, and I think all girls in general, went through a period when she was upset and she had no idea what was wrong. I tried so hard to make her feel better but I felt like I was only putting band aids on the situation ,and nothing I actually did had any type of significant impact. I could tell her I love her over and over again ,but at the end of the day I still didnt understand why she was not happy. Now I know how she feels.

I am upset any time I am alone with my own thoughts and I dont know why. I dont like sleeping alone, because it gives me the opportunity to think about things that make me upset. I dont know why I get like this. I honestly dont know how my she put up with this feeling as long as she did, cause its only been a week or so and its driving me crazy. I guess it could be stress, thats always a possibility. But stress shouldnt do this type of damage to people and I honestly dont believe it can. I like to think of myself as a strong willed person so thats what makes this whole situation so difficult. I always was the one that kept a smile on when nobody else could, and now, if I can be happy, what the hell is gonna happen to everyone that looked at me when they were upset?

Its not constant though, which is good because if it was constant I probably would had checked myself into a psych ward by now. When I am with my girlfriend I am happy, when I am talking to other people I am happy most of the time. Its just these feelings I get when I am alone, and I cant describe them.

It might be because of how alone I have been recently. Coming home from college is tough, every time people get excited about going on breaks I am always the one that secretly wishes in the back of my mind that I could stay there, and just not have to come home. I just feel like I dont belong at home, and when your just staying around the house that feeling sets in. I feel like every day is the last day of summer and I am the one that got left out in the cold. I feel like everyone is constantly questioning why I am around when I go out, and that the only time I really feel like I belong is at home. You wouldnt believe some of the looks I get when I go out, or how many times I have walked into somewhere and a vibe has come over me that made me feel like I did not belong at all. Sometime even when Im home alone I get that vibe.

Its hard to not have a group of people in your life that you can count on. Its hard to have to have a different set of people for every activity you do, and to realize that everyone only wants to be in your life part time. I guess I just feel very left out a lot of the time. So, what am I supposed to do now? Knowing whats wrong wont make the hurting stop

It Hurts

Okay, I haven't done this in a while, but this is a good one so I would check it out,
So to catch up, I left my old college, ended up going to the college my gf went to, and it was a great move because I am significantly happier here, and I couldn't take the old school any longer. There was too much going on there that I did not want to be a part of. I tried to run away from everything that was bothering me there, some of the problems couldn't keep up, but the others caught up to me.

July 2009- friend dies due to overdose
November 2009- friend dies to do asphyxiation after drinking too much and throwing up in her sleep

The second time hurt much more. We were real close.

I still never got over it, its so hard to even explain I just kinda blocked out the feeling. I cried for maybe two minutes about a day or two after I found out, and that was it. I held back every other time I wanted to cry. I bottled it up and did other things because I didn't want to feel that hurt again. I didn't want to think to myself that the first person who requested to be my friend on Facebook that was going to college with me, the person i talked to about the dorms, people we know there, how much fun its gonna be and how much we are gonna enjoy the freedom, is gone. The person who me and my friends went out to dinner with the first night at school, and we had a great time. The person who ended up hooking up with one of my best friends for a short time, making out relationship even closer. A person who did not hesitate to help me with math as long as I could help her with computer science, and who said she would always sign my gf in for me whenever I needed it as long as i Signed her boyfriend in, which i did many times. A person who made me smile, was there for me, and kept in touch with me even after she transfered. We both had the same plan, get out of that school and make something for ourselves, go to a real school where the grades matter and people dont take everything so lightly. She left at the end of her first year, and I waited another semester. I thought it be best to just give it one more chance, but she had had enough. The person who decided with me to both leave our schools and be with the ones we love, is gone, and I can never ever get that person back. I don't know how i manged to block it out for so long. I guess I was so frustrated with my living conditions and my room mate and the drive i had to make to see my gf and the transfer process that i didnt really realize how much it was hurting me, and tearing me apart. Its hard to talk to anyone about it, everyone that went to school with me wanted to avoid it because they felt that it would just make things worse, and my girlfriend never knew her.

I got a phone call yesterday that one of the only other girls I really had a close friendship with, was sick. It doesn't look good, and I dont know what I am supposed to do anymore. All the pain from the first 2 deaths regurgitated in a matter of seconds. Suddenly it hurt more than ever, and i feel to my knees and start bawling. When i could compose myself I talked to my gf on the phone a little, but it was hard to explain the way I felt. I never was good at talking, writing was always my thing. Anyway, the pain has built up in me and its a tremendous weight I had to carry around at all times. I dont want to go to class because I feel like I am gonna cry most of the day, I feel like in every room I am in if I am by myself too long I am gonna do something stupid or have those thoughts I have been trying so hard to hide. My girlfriend went home for the weekend last weekend, and Friday night i couldn't go out because I was on pain killers from having my wisdom teeth removed, so no drinking. I sat in my room, my room mate was gone, and I had lost my glasses. I couldn't read to distract myself, I couldn't watch TV, and music wasn't helping. For about 3 hours I was alone with my thoughts, and I was petrified at some of the things that entered my mind. Things I dont want to share, and hopefully will never have to. When she came back I had gotten worse then when she left, and its a tough situation. On the one hand, i just want her to understand what I am going through, but on the other hand I know she cant possibly comprehend the fact that I had been blocking something out for nearly 5 months, and that its all hitting me at once. I want her to just be happy, but seeing me unhappy makes her frustrated,and then in turn she gets annoyed and I get even more upset. Its a vicous cycle and I dont know how to break out of it. Maybe all i need is a hug, but at this point I doubt it. I am scared every second of every day that I am gonna lose someone else I am close with. My mind has to cope with all of this, while at the same time I have 2 more exams this week and I still have no summer internship or job, or money for that matter. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I feel like my heart is always about 10 beats faster than it normally is. I have had mental battles with myself for hours at a time as to whether or not I should take some vicoden so I can just be happy for a few hours. All i want is a few hours.

I feel like i am constantly being hit over the head with a blunt object and there is nothing i can do to stop it. The frustration is so bad that sometimes I want to just pick something up out of the ground and break it in half, or better yet hit myself over the head with it until the demons that have haunted me for the past few weeks decide they cant take it anymore and leave. Anything to make those memories go away. Now with my recent frustration I question everything in my life that is not exactly as planned. Anytime i piss my gf off I wonder if I am a good boyfriend, or if she is planning on leaving me anytime soon. Any time i take a test I think about how much better I could had done to spite the hours I spend studying. Everything i do goes into question, and i cant stop.

I just want to take control of my emotions, and be able to accept the fact that they are gone, but I cant. I cant get it through my head that bad things will always happen to good people, and that there is no sense in trying to make explanations because they are not coming back. I dont expect many to understand the hurt, the constant feeling that my head is going to explode, and the agony that accompanies everyday activities.

I am really hoping and praying that time heals all wounds, because thats all I have left.


On a side note, I would like to thank everyone who had read my blog. I know it jumps around, and mostly talks about life, and that this one is really dark. I actually expected to have a much bigger following by now, but at the same time I go months at a time without writing anything. Your comments are always appreciated and highly encouraged, and I hope that more of you begin to follow my work, as I will be writing more in an attempt to deal with the situations presented before me.
Thank you

So the last time I had talked in this, I spoke about fear of going to school. I talked to you about missing people I cared about alot and furthermore, my fear of the people I would be involved with. I have to say that those fears have become more real than I ever thought.

To start off, my classes are very challenging. Last year I really did sail through school with minimal problems, and now it seems like everything is catching up with me all at once. I feel smothered, often times I feel like its more work than I will ever be able to complete. Besides that I look around me and see people that have no futures, people that do not care about their work, and people who are constantly concerned wtih things other than thier education.

Second of all my house is terrible. Everything is falling apart, the plumbing doesnt work, the air conditioning is non existant, its hot, muggy, and we dont even have screens so opening our windows are not an option. Overall the experience there is not too good, and creates a pretty weak study environment. Needless to say, its not helping that much.

I miss my girlfriend too. I knew it would be hard going away to school and being so far away from her, and of course I was right. She is really special to me and I love herm and honestly goin through the stuff im going through now I don't know what I would do without her. She is having a great time her first year at school and im happy to see that she is enjoying herself. I just miss her. However, there are so many things that remind me of her, it is almost like im with her for a little bit every day. It always makes me happy to know that a thunderstorm, a volkswagon bug, or a koala named charlie, will all remind me of her.

Now that I have listed my complaints, it is time to figure out what I am going to do. I know that at the end of the semester I will be able to leave this place and find out what I would like to do with my life, but until then II need a plan. I need to go to the library more frequently, and get mcuh more work done. I need to take the time to realize when I am being distracted, and seperate myself from those situations. I need to realize that it is time for me to step it up to the next level and do whatever is necessary to do well in school this semester. I just need to get a grip on the situation, and take care of it.

You know my girfriend has always said to me that everything always works out, and shes right. If I give my best effort, it will all work out on the end. Sometimes you just look around and realize that the situation is not the best, but that doesnt not mean you cant make the best of it. I have to take the responsabiliy and move forward and do everything I can to make the most of this semester.

I know its been a while since i have posted last and I apologize. I was getting settled into school for my sophomore year and I have been through a lot of different emotions. But now that i have had time to clear my head I would like to talk, about my girlfriend.

Now I know what all of you are thinking. "Oh my god he is gonna talk about her again, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about life". Well, this is a blog about life, I spend my time talking about things that I find important in my life, and one of the most important aspects of my life is her. So I would like to talk about her for a little bit.

When I was growing up I was overweight. My whole life I was told in a joking manner from my friends that nobody would ever care about me because of my weight. I battled and fought and struggled and then when I was finally at the average weight, I broke out in terrible acne. At that time I thought that nobody would ever care about me, and that my high school, as well as my life, would be particularly lonely.

Then, my sophomore year, I met a girl that would change my life. Although for a few years she would not give me the time of day, my efforts paid off and the day before I first went to college I was able to kiss her.

We spent the next months working and improving on our relationship and soon we were dating. Now it has been over six months since the day she said yes to me asking her out, and I could not be happier. My whole life I had seen those movies about the girl that would change your life, the girl that would change the way you think, and the girl that after you met her, all those love songs you never understood all your life would suddenly make sense. The people who told me all of these things could not have been any more correct.

I can honestly say my girlfriend is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and one of the most important parts of my life. Recently I went to visit her at her school and just being with her, just being in the same state as her made me happy. I could have the worst day of my life, be practically in tears, and just looking into her eyes and seeing her smile makes everything better. When I'm not close to her, hearing her voice on the phone and listening to her laugh and occasionally seeing her smile on a web cam is all i need to make my week. Overall I have to say in complete honesty that I met someone very special to me that is very important in my life. I met a girl I would do anything to make happy. I met a girl that means more to me than anyone I have ever met in my life and truly care about her. I know some of you are seeing this as a pointless post, and its more than obvious that those of you that have have not experienced this feeling yet. More than anything I just want you all to know that I met someone very special, and I love her.

Todays post is a little bit of an extension of yesterdays. I know I spent all of yesterday preaching to you about how good everything is going to be and how I am not nervous about anything, and I feel like for me to just talk about the positives of everything and the optomistic point of view would be not only dishonest to you, but to myself.

I'm scared. I mean I have a great group of friends at school and I know I am going to have a good time, but at the same time these same group of friends are involved with alot of stuff that I try to avoid. In just this past month one of my friends from school has died of an overdose, the other sent to a hospital due to drug related mental instability. I know that this is only the beggining, and that before my time at school is over, I will lost more people that I care about. I know this, I have always known this before anything ever happened to the first two, but yet, they are still my friends. My friends at home do not get involved in the same stuff but I really do not feel as close to them as I do with my friends at school. Often times the people around here are very stuck up and immature and it is usually more than I can handle. My plan is to get away from this school at the end of the semester to try and avoid the ultimate pain I will be suffering from losing more people close to me. It hurts alot. Often times even sitting with my girlfriend who I care about more than any of them, my mind will wonder and take me to places my heart does not want to follow. I think about who will be next. I think about how hard it was to walk into a room of people who did not expect him to die and are completely shocked, when all the while me and others at school were aware of his recreational drug use and did absolutely nothing to prevent it. I think about the time a very close friend struck a girl, and wonder how long it will be before his actions catch up to him. I think about how hard it must be to go to visit your son who, thanks to drug use, has put himself in his own world, and does not even recognize you anymore. He thinks you do not love him, he thinks he is adopted, and he may never be the same again. All these thoughts pass through my mind a few times a day. Many people will look at these situations and say there was nothing they can do, but I will look at those same situations and say that I could have done something to help, prevent, or stop this drug use, and I did not. Often times I sat there and laughed when friends would tell stories about their crazy trips, and now they are gone.
I feel bad for my girlfriend because I constantly am telling her that I am fine because I do not know how she will react to me feeling this way. Her friends are great people, and always have been. I may not get along with all of them, but she really did put herself with a great group of people that I know will do everything in their power to help her whenever something is wrong when I am not around. She is very lucky to have them, and they are very lucky to have her.

This all bring me to what I have been trying to get at. I care about my girlfriend more than I have ever cared about anything or anyone else in my life. When I am with her I try as hard as I can to be the best possible version of myself. Being with her has led me to the appreciation of things I never found interest in before. My eyes have been opened and the course of my life has definately been changed in some way, a positive way, because of her. I pray that I have done something positive in her life as well.
Now, soon, I have to go back to my friends. I go back to being close to all the drugs and violence and pain that I have been trying not to think about while back to home. I must talk to each one of my friends knowing that there is the potential that it will be the last time I speak to them. This is what really scares me. My girlfriend is so excited to go to school and can't wait and talks ot her room mate and is the happiest person on earth, and here I am doing everything I can in my power to slow down time.
I do not want to lose her, and I will do everything I can to make sure we are together for as long as possible. I love her, always have. When I am around her nothing else matters, and for those hours, I probabaly think of how lucky I am in my head about 1000 times, although I may only say it once or twice. Often times when im hugging her or laying with her and she can't see my face I will look up and just mouth the words thank you, because I know there is a higher power at play in the way my life has turned out. I will do anything to make her happy or see her smile, and I thank God for every day I am given with her. Recently I have not been myself around her, and I know it must be making her angry, but I am just overcome with the fear of going away, and that now there is a time limit to how much we can see each other. 12 days, 11, 10, the count down seems to be going faster and faster and I can't do anything to stop it. I just hope and pray that she misses me too, and that our relationship can continued to grow and strengthen, because she is a very special and important part of my life.

Change

Change happens to everyone. It's inevitable. However, change is not what makes a person who they are, it is how that person reacts to the change.

In the next few weeks of my life I will be undergoing a big change that will effect my life significantly. Now I have weighed the pros and cons, but still cant help but to feel that I am losing so much more than I am gaining. It's that time of year again, and after seeing my girlfriend for almost 3 months straight, I must go back to school, where I can only visit her once every few weeks at most. Part of me, actually most of me, asks myself why I decided to choose the school farthest away from home.
But change is not all bad. If relationships, and anything in general, were easy then they would not be so highly sought after. Every relationship has its own set of complications and challenges that the two people involved must overcome together. I know personally that I could not ask for a smarter, more mature, more confident and trustworthy person to go into this with.
I think the important thing to remember here is that the longer you are away from someone the happier you are when you finally get to see them again. It really incredible how much distance can strengthen a relationship at times. As long as you trust the person you are with and truly care about them, like I do, everything will work out

There are moments in our lives that really take our breath away. Often times we do not know when these moments will occur how long they will last, or how many we will have in our lifetime. I would like to think that we get a few in our lives, one would be too little and any more than a handful would desensitize us to such an amazing feeling. Recently, I had my first real moment like this, and I will never forget it.
Its funny the way things work out sometimes. Sometimes the most frustrating of nights can suddenly turn into incredible experiences. A place where you sat and thought in frustration for hours can turn into a sanctuary of tranquility where everything becomes clear and you finally have peace of mind. For me that was my car. I sat in my car 10:00, 10:30, 11:00, 11:30 as I watched the minutes pass as slowly as hours from my drivers seat. Although this was not her fault, I was still frustrated because I would not be able to see her for a few days and I really wanted to get the most out of the time I was going to spend with her. I took deep breaths and let the frustration gently pass through my body rather than let it build up in anger, because I knew it was not her fault and there was nothing she could do about it. Knowing it was the fault of a 3rd party, I patiently continued to wait.
Finally, at around 12:30, I was able to see her. She found where I was and pulled up along side of me. She knew I was sad that that our time had been cut so short, but the sadness was overcome with overwhelming joy when I was finally able to see her.
We moved to somewhere more private and began to talk. Because it was so late, and there was nowhere else to go, the back of my car became the venue for our conversation. Now I know what your thinking, and yes the backseat of a car is not the most beautiful of places. But you see, that's what a I mean. These moments they just sneak up on you and it doesn't matter where you are. You could be in a damp dark smelly disgusting room or laying on the beach watching the sunset it doesn't matter when it happens it happens and there is nothing you can do.
So let me get back to my story. We were sitting there, talking, kissing, hugging, and I can honestly say that in the middle of everything I stopped, even if it was just for a second, and looked at her. However this was not a normal look, and I don't think I had ever looked at her this way before. She looked beautiful, as she always does, but there was something special, something different. It was as if for that moment, for that split second when we looked at each other, nothing else mattered. It was almost as if the windows of my car blocked out everything and anything bad in my life. Arguments with my family, college fears, any pain I have ever felt in my life was gone, and I just felt like there was something about this girl that separated her from anyone I had ever known in my life before. Everything was so clear and there was not a shred of doubt in my mind that this is where I should be at this very moment. A second later the feeling was interrupted by the sounds of kids in loud cars, but nevertheless, it was something that made me happier than I have ever felt before.
Now I know, your thinking I am out of my mind, corny, and maybe even a little femanine. If your in the category of those who feel this way, you have not experienced what I have yet. However, if you are in the category of those who know the feeling. I am telling you to really take it to heart and rememeber it for a long time because it is something very important and no matter what happens to you physically or emotionally for the rest of your life, that memory will always be with you.

Faith

I think in order to live any type of happy life at all we have to have some type of faith. When everything material and physical and tangable in your life seems like it is being dragged into a place where you can never get it back, it is that which you cannot see or touch that proves to be most powerful. A see a lot of people wear the crucifix and chain and go to church on Christmas and Easter. These people think that by going to church every once and a while they are doing their God's will. These people are what I like to call, just in case believers. This means the moral compass they use to guide them through life is so messed up they don't even know right from wrong anymore, and they do not really believe in God. But by the off chance he exist, they went to church, just in case.
You can not expect to be born into devout beliefs. For me, it was a few life experiences that showed me that there is some one or some thing out there watching me, watching all of us.
Recently I lost a friend. He was a kid that I knew for a good amount of time, and on top of everything else he was completely healthy. He liked to party and have a good time, but as long as I had known him he had never really strayed from just enough alcohol or maybe a little bit of marijuana to calm him down. A few days ago I woke up to find that he had died of a heart attack in his sleep caused by the combination of the drugs meth and coke, two things he had never touched before in his life. My world came crashing down around me as I fell into a deep state of shock and confusion.
It is situations like these where we stop and think.
Why would he do such a thing?
Why would addicts live such long lives on the drug as he dies after one use?
Where was God?
If I didn't believe that someone or something greater than you or me could ever imagine was behind this, and that this was all part of one plan to better our Earth and everything around it, I do not know what I would do with myself. It is this faith, this feeling of power that overwhelms us at times like these, that push us to move on, learn, and take with us the knowledge and wisdom we have learned from events like these.
We as people are scared of what we can't control and fear the unknown. We are scared that we will lose people close to us to disease and tragedy that we could never possibly predict. We have to put faith in the fact that things out of our control are fully within the control of another more powerful than us. We have to have confidence that in the end, everything in our lives is part of something bigger than we could ever fathom, and that we are all part of this idea, this plan, this everlasting future.
Fear is not always a bad thing to have. Most of the time, fear derives from love. We are afraid to lose something or someone that we care deeply about. To quote Martin Luther King Jr, A man who does not have anything in life he would die for has never truly lived. I am a strong believer of that. I truly pity those who believe that there is nothing bigger than the world we live in. I pray, and believe, that everything has happened for a reason.

I miss my friend.

Risks

Life is about risks. It always has been and most likely always will be. Some of the most recognizable and famous men in history are famous for the risks they took. Unfortunately, some men we will never hear about in our lives took those same risks.
I thinking the hardest thing about risking anything is knowing how much you can potentially lose. We try and weight the options, maybe make a list to see if the rewards out weight the downside, and do all sorts of things to try and put ourselves in the best possible logical position. However, sometimes logic does not mean anything. Sometimes everything we believe is logically correct we know is wrong in our hearts. Poker players will tell you that sometimes they know the odds are against against them but the cards just "feel right". Well, life is the same way. Sometimes the odds are against you but you know what you feel and there is nothing in the world that will stop you from feeling that particular way.
I think the hardest risks we take in our lives are the emotional ones. Putting yourself out there with someone you care about for the first time. Being the first one to try and make a move, or being the first one to say those three words we all do our best not to say at all costs. It can be scary, I know, and a lot of times we say these things knowing that the reward is greatly overshadowed by the chance we are taking, but we say it anyway. Why do we do this? Because we are human. Because for the vast majority of us the heart will always outweigh the mind in decisions like this. Yes we can get hurt a good amount of the time, and some of us get hurt a lot of the time. However, when it all comes down to it, when we finally get that response we have been looking for all this time, it will be more powerful than anything we have ever experienced.

Your Newest Question

Okay so I am going to change it up a little today. Recently I have received emails from a few people asking me about my girlfriend. I have brought her up from time to time and its understandable that people want to know about her and to help things I write in the future maybe I should talk about her a little. It's kind of a long story though so just give it a chance.
Me and her have known each other about 4 years. When we first met, I tried constantly to be with her but it seemed she was not interested. I spent the next two years trying from time to time to show her how I feel and prove she means a lot to me but time and time again I seemed to come up short.
Finally the summer of my senior year I began to spend a lot more time with her. I was seeing her a few times a week and it seemed like we were getting closer. Unfortunately, I was too nervous to try and kiss her or tell her how I felt. Days when we hang out came and went without me making any kind of move, and I began to feel like I was going to go to school without telling her or showing her how I feel.
Finally, with one day left, I decided I needed to know what was going to happen. We sat around her house the whole day and even though neither of us said anything, there was the subtle undertone that we both knew I would be gone for the next three months. I sat there with my arm around her, just looking at her, thinking to myself that I will never get another chance like this again.
I looked at the time and realized that I had to leave. I asked her to walk me to the car and right as I was about to let go from hugging her and get in, I decided I had to try. As corny as it may sound, I asked her to kiss her, and she said yes. For years I had built up all these high expectations about what it would be like actually kissing her and actually being with her. I also wondered if I actually cared about her or if I was getting the fact that I was always getting denied by her make me think I cared about her more than I actually did. All these thoughts raced through my head, and then it happened. I kissed her and I knew right then at that moment how special this girl was to me. That car ride home, knowing I wouldn't be able to see her for 3 months, was the saddest of my life.
When I came back from the school the first time we got closer still, and as the year went on I began to come home more and more to see her. Finally summer came, we were dating, and that brings me to where I am now.
She is gorgeous. Hahaha I know that is a little blunt, but its entirely true. Long dark hair, beautiful green eyes, and one of the best smiles I have ever seen. She is funny, smart, fun to be around, and one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Her personality is what really sets her apart from every other girl I have ever talked to. As high as my expectations were for her, she went above and beyond them in so many ways and really blew me away. As you can probably tell, I care about her very much.
As I get closer to go to school, and she gets ready to go to school about 6 hours away from mine, I realize how important every minutes I am with her is. Going to school, that last day before I leave, is going to be one of the hardest days of my life. I can't even put into words how much I am going to miss her, but I will make every effort to see her as much as I possibly can this semester. I can honestly say that so far I have made the most out of every opportunity I have had to be with her this summer, and that there were a few times we spent together that I can honestly consider some of the best times of my life.
This goes back to everything I always say about appreciation. Everything I talk about in reference to how time is short, and how we need to cherish every second we have. I know you all probably have some one special in your lives. For some of you its a wife or husband, for others a boyfriend or girlfriend, and for some, its a girl or guy you have not even said hello to yet, but you just know. My advice is this, tell them how you feel before its too late. Let them know what they mean to you and if it truly comes from your heart you will never make them uncomfortable. If they are special to you, please let them know. We all need to appreciate the important people we have in our lives, I know I do.

People...

Sometimes we as people tend to suprise ourselves. We have these ideas in our head, a plan on how we are going to handle certain aspects of our lives. Then something comes along and completely changes your outlook. For me this has recently happened with my career choice, but it can happen with a lot of other things as well. As people we have the ability to think past our instincts, and that alone allows everything to not be cast into stone. We are free to change our minds as we plea and often times follow our passion more than our logic. Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy, and what you think has the potential of making you the most happy in the long run. People who put everything into logical terms are often found standing around as life passes them by. If your not going to put atleast a little bit of your heart into everything you do, than nothing is really worth doing. Words with no meaning are words unspoken. I am not saying that you should just go on emotional spurts and completely do what you feel because that may turn out to hurt you just as much. What I am saying is that we have both our mind and our heart for a reason besides the obvious biological rules, so I suggest we all use both of them to thier fullest capacity.

It All Comes Down To This

I do not have the best relationship with my parents. I find it hard to remember the last time we just had a conversation without yelling and often times their harsh words pulsate through me like venom. The past few weeks in particular all I have wanted was a normal relationship with the people in my family.I know that this contradicts a lot of what I write and preach about. I am always talking about how we should appreciate what we have and cherish it, and by me sitting here asking for more from my parents, I am in direct violation of these rules I have established for the way I want to live my life. So I have decided that wants are okay, to an extent. It is desire and wants that keep the world turning, and without any desire we would have no motivation and ultimately are species would be cast down to its more instinctive form. However, I think wanting something like a solid relationship with my parents was asking for a little much and did not really fit in with what I tell readers. I was being greedy.Last night I was with my girlfriend sitting in my T.V room. We were just casually flipping through the channels laying with each other as we often do. Let me just say right now that my girlfriend has been the person I tell everything to, and one of the only people in my life that I can truly say I trust. She is always there for me when I need her to be and makes me happier than I ever have been before. Most of the time she brings out the best and me, and I am truly thankful to have her in my life.Having said that, I was feeling a little upset about the situation with my parents and she noticed instantly. After asking a few times, I finally broke down and put my head and her shoulder where I kept it for about an hour as I thought and spoke about everything wrong in my life. I spoke about my family in particular, and how all I wanted was normal parents that respected me and treated me well when I saw them.At the end of the night, although she did cheer me up a great deal when I really thought no one could, I was still feeling upset. I went to sleep upset and woke up this morning still feeling uneasy. It was at that moment that I realized where I needed to go with my life.My point is that everything happens for a reason. All these things that we think are the end of the world end up being good for us. Maybe it is not as noticeable as you leaving your shoes untied and tripping only to find a 100 dollar bill in front of you, but it happens. These bad experiences are meant to teach us and show us that life is not perfect, and that everyone has problems and things they do not like, but it is those who let those bad things overshadow the good that allow their minds to take them to dark places they would dare not step.We all come into this world the same way. It is these events, both good and bad, that shape and mold how we exists. Our lives are short and often very fragile. We have to learn that not everyone has everything, and that our greatest ability as people is to turn our biggest weaknesses into our most powerful strengths.

No More Drama

Yesterday I was at my parents house just talking to my father about work and such when my mom's close friend came in the house. The next hour became the most annoying hour of my life. It seemed that all she would do is talk to my mother about who likes who, what couples are fighting, who wants to get a divorce, and who is mad because they were not on some one's party invitation. I have never been more disgusted in my life.
When I graduated high school, I had this strange idea in my head that all the gossip would stop, the drama would dissipate, and we would all realize we are mature adults and move on in our lives.I could not have been any more wrong. Women in their 40s and 50s were still talking about the same stupid stuff they were talking about when they were 15. I really do not understand what the point of all this is.
I guess part of the problem is what we are exposed to. Constant showings of these dramatic lifestyles that end in a positive result may be just enough fuel we need to live our lives the same way. We have been diluted and brainwashed into thinking that if we act the same way as these characters we see on T.V we will get the same result. However, we should be able to look beyond this and understand that it is not real.
We really can not blame anyone but ourselves. There is a time and a place for dramatic action. I feel like our overuse of drama in our lives may be the reason we are so desensitized to certain situations. Let me give you an example...
If person X makes a gigantic deal about problems at work, problems with family, problems with friends, people start to get annoyed. People expect a huge deal out of every little problem, and as a result they stop really caring. Then suddenly, person X gets into a huge fight with their significant other and is really hurt by it. Person X goes to tell her friends who do not console person X for the problem because to be honest, they are sick of the drama.
The message here is simple. We need to realize we are in the real world and start acting like it. We need to see that there are so many more important things in our life that we are not seeing because there has been a shadow of drama and tension cast over us. We need to shine the light of reason and logic on these shadows, and hope that it shines bright enough to lead the way for the future of us as individuals.

Plans

The only thing you should plan in life is to plan to be suprised.

The Hands Free Headset

The blue tooth head piece for cell phones. Hands down one of the stupidest most frustrating inventions I have ever witnessed. I understand that some laws do not allow people to use their hands to hold their phones while driving but I am sure calls can wait. I mean nothing is more confusing then when I pull up to a red light and notice the man in the next car over making frightening gestures and screaming by himself in the car. I get really freaked out, and until I notice the little piece in his ear I wonder to myself how someone so obviously insane was ever allowed to operate a car. I mean, the whole reason you hold a cell phone up to your ear is that it is a signal to other people that you are, in fact, talking to someone else. We all look like idiots walking around screaming and talking to ourselves. Technology is a great thing and has helped us come so far as people, but this is one invention I really think has to go. On top of everything else, it hurts your ears, and is just kinda stupid.

Stop Taking Life So Seriously

Sorry I have not been able to post in a few days, family emergency.

Having said that, I know to a lot of you my last post seemed a little out of the ordinary. My point was not that we should all rage against the machine and try to go against the grain. My point was that we as a society are so restricted by these unwritten rules that nobody takes the time to truly just appreciate how nice it feels to smile at a stranger, start a conversation in the elevator, or just tell someone your working with that they are doing a really good job. It seems as though nobody really wants to put themselves out there anymore, and everyone is too busy trying to get theirs to worry about what anyone else wants. Although we are very social creatures and communication is a very serious part out our culture, recently as years have passed everyone has become so self centered and greedy that they do not take the time to appreciate the fellow man.
We all need to stop taking life so seriously. Every now and then just realize that it is a blessing alone that you are alive and able to do the things you do every day. Being able to smell, touch, and taste all these little things in our world is such a great gift that it seems everyone has forgotten about. Everyone wants the new Ferrari or Bentley and forget about how nice it is to just lay on the grass and do nothing. I am not saying to completely abandon your desire and ambition because those two things are what keeps us moving. What I am saying is that every once and while even if it is only for a few minutes, put everything else aside and just realize how amazing everything around you is. Think about how amazing it is that you can see stars hundreds of millions of miles away, or good it feels to just stand out in the rain. We do not know how long we are going to be able to truly notice the little things, so don't let these moments pass.

Try It Out

Today I really want to keep it short and to the point. However, it is something you I really want all of you to really think about and take into consideration. The lives all of us live are based on these rules and boundaries that our culture creates for us. We are cast into invisible cells and bars and walls that we do not even realize trap us in a life of normalcy. Just one time, some time during the next couple days, I want each one of you to do something completely out of the ordinary. Maybe its something as stupid as not staring at the floor numbers on the elevator, or starting a conversation with the person using the urinal next to you. Just try something that breaks an unwritten rule, and see how shocked everyone around you becomes. Only then will you truly realize how enclosed we really are as people.

Picking Your Battles

Today I really want to focus on the idea of respect for your elders. It is written everywhere, and a rule that we have done our best to follow as people as long as anyone can remember. However, I think there is a time and a place where you have to stand up for yourself, pick your battles, and defend your opinions.
Time and time again I see people back to to adults because they feel that although they are right, the adults are the adults and that gives them a free pass to be right no matter what the circumstance is. Now I am not saying that you should argue a punishment for being out late or something like that. These petty things are so small in perspective that you really need to just let things like that go. In hindsight most likely you will realize that every punishment you have received has been for a good reason and you are a better person because of it.
What I am talking about here is the idea that elders can say what they want about you and you just have to take it. I do not care if it is a family member, or a stranger, or anyone, if you are offended you need to defend yourself. You can't let people walk all over you for the soul reason that they are older. Allow me to explain in further detail.
My family is the typical close knit Italian family that sees each other at least once a week. My mothers entire side of the family lives in the same town, and every Friday and Sunday we have dinner together. Now my grandmother on my mom's side, God bless her, has a very big problem with voicing her opinions. She really just says whatever comes into her head and she does not care who she offends. On top of that she does not ever want to be wrong and will argue to the death. Today I had one of the most frustrating arguments I have ever had with her.
Let me start by saying that I have had a problem with my back for the past few months but was not smart enough to ever see a doctor, recently I suffered an injury that re aggravated the injury. and it has only gotten worse since. I am at risk of losing my summer job that consists of manual labor, and without that money it is gonna be near impossible to pay my rent at my off campus house I live in at school.
So I am already upset to begin with and very distraught over the whole situation, but I still go to my grandmother's house with the family to try and forget about it. I was messing around with my younger cousins who I only really get to see in the summer, only to hear from my grandma that I am faking my injury, making my mom miserable, tearing apart my family, and so on. Now everyone tends to back down from my grandma because we all know her personality, and usually I would be the first one to do the same. However, I am not letting anyone tell me that I am faking an injury that has caused me so much pain and grief.
The result of this argument was my grandma telling me to leave the house and so I did. I do not plan on going there anytime soon.
My point here is this, in your life you are given certain choices. People are always going to try and break you. There is always going to be someone in your life who is trying to put you down no matter how well you are doing. What we have to do is know when to turn our cheek. The problem with us as a society is that people tend to constantly confront or constantly turn the other cheek. Every situation is different, and you can not possibly use the same rules for every individual circumstance. We have to asses each case as it arises in our lives. Then and only then can we truly decide what the right thing to do is. Now I do not know right now if what I did was right or wrong. What I do know is that I stood up for myself and showed my family that I will not be walked all over no matter who it is by, and for that I will never apologize.

Appreciation " How do you remember/keep yourself in check?"

To answer your question, it really is not easy to constantly appreciate what you are given. A lot of times people get caught up in the moment and don't realize what they have until time has already passed them by. When I decided that I wanted to take a greater appreciation for the life I live, I started every night. Every night before I went to bed I would take a few minutes to really think about my day. Once I thought about my day I thought about everything involved that made the day good if it was a good day or kept me going if it was a bad day. Than as days and weeks and months went on, the appreciation became almost habitual. Pretty soon you find yourself appreciating the first snow of the winter only a few hours after it happens.
To truly get it in the moment takes a lot of time but you have to trust me, once you do get there it is the most incredible feeling on earth. Being able to sit out on your porch and look up at the blue sky and really take in how amazing it is that your alive to witness it. Knowing in the moment how special a person could be to you can be more powerful than any memory of them you will ever have. Walks in the park will be the time of your life and food will taste better than it ever has before.
So in conclusion, being able to keep yourself in check is really more of a habit than anything else. I worked myself into it slowly and over time. You can not just decide one day your going to appreciate everything around you, life does not work like that. You have to take things one step at a time and let your memory's and emotions carry you farther than your legs ever could.
I hope this answers your question.