Its funny how much it can relieve you just to say whats on your mind. I mean quite frankly, nobody ever has to listen, nobody has to even know you said it, but just to project the words onto some kind of medium is all you need to alleviate some of the pain. Sometimes even all of it will go away. I hope thats the case with me.

Im really worried about why I am upset. You know my girlfriend, and I think all girls in general, went through a period when she was upset and she had no idea what was wrong. I tried so hard to make her feel better but I felt like I was only putting band aids on the situation ,and nothing I actually did had any type of significant impact. I could tell her I love her over and over again ,but at the end of the day I still didnt understand why she was not happy. Now I know how she feels.

I am upset any time I am alone with my own thoughts and I dont know why. I dont like sleeping alone, because it gives me the opportunity to think about things that make me upset. I dont know why I get like this. I honestly dont know how my she put up with this feeling as long as she did, cause its only been a week or so and its driving me crazy. I guess it could be stress, thats always a possibility. But stress shouldnt do this type of damage to people and I honestly dont believe it can. I like to think of myself as a strong willed person so thats what makes this whole situation so difficult. I always was the one that kept a smile on when nobody else could, and now, if I can be happy, what the hell is gonna happen to everyone that looked at me when they were upset?

Its not constant though, which is good because if it was constant I probably would had checked myself into a psych ward by now. When I am with my girlfriend I am happy, when I am talking to other people I am happy most of the time. Its just these feelings I get when I am alone, and I cant describe them.

It might be because of how alone I have been recently. Coming home from college is tough, every time people get excited about going on breaks I am always the one that secretly wishes in the back of my mind that I could stay there, and just not have to come home. I just feel like I dont belong at home, and when your just staying around the house that feeling sets in. I feel like every day is the last day of summer and I am the one that got left out in the cold. I feel like everyone is constantly questioning why I am around when I go out, and that the only time I really feel like I belong is at home. You wouldnt believe some of the looks I get when I go out, or how many times I have walked into somewhere and a vibe has come over me that made me feel like I did not belong at all. Sometime even when Im home alone I get that vibe.

Its hard to not have a group of people in your life that you can count on. Its hard to have to have a different set of people for every activity you do, and to realize that everyone only wants to be in your life part time. I guess I just feel very left out a lot of the time. So, what am I supposed to do now? Knowing whats wrong wont make the hurting stop

It Hurts

Okay, I haven't done this in a while, but this is a good one so I would check it out,
So to catch up, I left my old college, ended up going to the college my gf went to, and it was a great move because I am significantly happier here, and I couldn't take the old school any longer. There was too much going on there that I did not want to be a part of. I tried to run away from everything that was bothering me there, some of the problems couldn't keep up, but the others caught up to me.

July 2009- friend dies due to overdose
November 2009- friend dies to do asphyxiation after drinking too much and throwing up in her sleep

The second time hurt much more. We were real close.

I still never got over it, its so hard to even explain I just kinda blocked out the feeling. I cried for maybe two minutes about a day or two after I found out, and that was it. I held back every other time I wanted to cry. I bottled it up and did other things because I didn't want to feel that hurt again. I didn't want to think to myself that the first person who requested to be my friend on Facebook that was going to college with me, the person i talked to about the dorms, people we know there, how much fun its gonna be and how much we are gonna enjoy the freedom, is gone. The person who me and my friends went out to dinner with the first night at school, and we had a great time. The person who ended up hooking up with one of my best friends for a short time, making out relationship even closer. A person who did not hesitate to help me with math as long as I could help her with computer science, and who said she would always sign my gf in for me whenever I needed it as long as i Signed her boyfriend in, which i did many times. A person who made me smile, was there for me, and kept in touch with me even after she transfered. We both had the same plan, get out of that school and make something for ourselves, go to a real school where the grades matter and people dont take everything so lightly. She left at the end of her first year, and I waited another semester. I thought it be best to just give it one more chance, but she had had enough. The person who decided with me to both leave our schools and be with the ones we love, is gone, and I can never ever get that person back. I don't know how i manged to block it out for so long. I guess I was so frustrated with my living conditions and my room mate and the drive i had to make to see my gf and the transfer process that i didnt really realize how much it was hurting me, and tearing me apart. Its hard to talk to anyone about it, everyone that went to school with me wanted to avoid it because they felt that it would just make things worse, and my girlfriend never knew her.

I got a phone call yesterday that one of the only other girls I really had a close friendship with, was sick. It doesn't look good, and I dont know what I am supposed to do anymore. All the pain from the first 2 deaths regurgitated in a matter of seconds. Suddenly it hurt more than ever, and i feel to my knees and start bawling. When i could compose myself I talked to my gf on the phone a little, but it was hard to explain the way I felt. I never was good at talking, writing was always my thing. Anyway, the pain has built up in me and its a tremendous weight I had to carry around at all times. I dont want to go to class because I feel like I am gonna cry most of the day, I feel like in every room I am in if I am by myself too long I am gonna do something stupid or have those thoughts I have been trying so hard to hide. My girlfriend went home for the weekend last weekend, and Friday night i couldn't go out because I was on pain killers from having my wisdom teeth removed, so no drinking. I sat in my room, my room mate was gone, and I had lost my glasses. I couldn't read to distract myself, I couldn't watch TV, and music wasn't helping. For about 3 hours I was alone with my thoughts, and I was petrified at some of the things that entered my mind. Things I dont want to share, and hopefully will never have to. When she came back I had gotten worse then when she left, and its a tough situation. On the one hand, i just want her to understand what I am going through, but on the other hand I know she cant possibly comprehend the fact that I had been blocking something out for nearly 5 months, and that its all hitting me at once. I want her to just be happy, but seeing me unhappy makes her frustrated,and then in turn she gets annoyed and I get even more upset. Its a vicous cycle and I dont know how to break out of it. Maybe all i need is a hug, but at this point I doubt it. I am scared every second of every day that I am gonna lose someone else I am close with. My mind has to cope with all of this, while at the same time I have 2 more exams this week and I still have no summer internship or job, or money for that matter. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I feel like my heart is always about 10 beats faster than it normally is. I have had mental battles with myself for hours at a time as to whether or not I should take some vicoden so I can just be happy for a few hours. All i want is a few hours.

I feel like i am constantly being hit over the head with a blunt object and there is nothing i can do to stop it. The frustration is so bad that sometimes I want to just pick something up out of the ground and break it in half, or better yet hit myself over the head with it until the demons that have haunted me for the past few weeks decide they cant take it anymore and leave. Anything to make those memories go away. Now with my recent frustration I question everything in my life that is not exactly as planned. Anytime i piss my gf off I wonder if I am a good boyfriend, or if she is planning on leaving me anytime soon. Any time i take a test I think about how much better I could had done to spite the hours I spend studying. Everything i do goes into question, and i cant stop.

I just want to take control of my emotions, and be able to accept the fact that they are gone, but I cant. I cant get it through my head that bad things will always happen to good people, and that there is no sense in trying to make explanations because they are not coming back. I dont expect many to understand the hurt, the constant feeling that my head is going to explode, and the agony that accompanies everyday activities.

I am really hoping and praying that time heals all wounds, because thats all I have left.


On a side note, I would like to thank everyone who had read my blog. I know it jumps around, and mostly talks about life, and that this one is really dark. I actually expected to have a much bigger following by now, but at the same time I go months at a time without writing anything. Your comments are always appreciated and highly encouraged, and I hope that more of you begin to follow my work, as I will be writing more in an attempt to deal with the situations presented before me.
Thank you